There were moments when I thought I was finally “better.”
Moments where the heaviness lifted just enough for me to breathe again.
The world looked softer. Colours came back. Music sounded like something again instead of just noise.
I remember thinking, maybe the depression has gone.
Maybe this is what normal feels like.
Maybe I’ve made it through.
I never connected it to the fact he was simply around less.
I would start to move differently in those moments.
A little lighter.
A little more hopeful.
I’d laugh more. I’d plan things. I’d feel like myself again.
And then… it would disappear.
Not gradually. Not gently.
It was like something reached in and switched the light off.
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The same world that felt warm would suddenly feel cold again.
The same life that felt possible would feel heavy and pointless.
And I’d be left wondering what I did wrong.
You might like to read How to Tell If You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.
I didn’t understand it at the time.
I thought it was me.
My moods. My mind. My “depression” coming and going for no reason.
But it wasn’t random.
Those highs weren’t healing.
They were relief.
Relief from tension.
Relief from walking on eggshells.
Relief from the subtle, constant pressure of being around someone who slowly drained the life out of me.
And the lows?
They came back every time the environment pulled me back under.
Every time the criticism crept in.
Every time the confusion returned.
Every time I started doubting myself again.
It wasn’t that I was broken.
It was that I was being pulled in and out of survival mode.
And survival mode doesn’t allow you to stay in the light for long.
Related read: Sign’s You’re functioning in Survival Mode
The hardest part wasn’t the lows.
It was the contrast.
Feeling okay… and then losing it.
Over and over again.
It trains you to stop trusting the good moments.
To question your own reality.
To wonder if happiness is something that just isn’t meant to last for you.
It left me second-guessing everything.
Not just the bad moments… but the good ones too.
I didn’t trust how I felt anymore. Part of healing isn’t just understanding what happened… it’s Rebuilding Self-trust After Trauma.
I didn’t trust when things seemed okay.
Because I’d learned how quickly it could all disappear.
If you relate to this feeling, you might like What Is Wrong With Me? The Question I Googled Before I Realised I Was Being Abused
But here’s what I know now. Those moments of light weren’t false.
They were glimpses of me without the weight.
And now?
I don’t have to chase those fleeting highs anymore.
Because I’ve built something steadier.
Not a dramatic, overwhelming happiness that comes and goes.
But a grounded kind of peace.
A quiet, consistent safety in my own life.
There are still hard days.
There are still waves.
But no one is standing behind me ready to pull the ground out from under me anymore.
And that changes everything.
Because this time, the happiness I’ve built doesn’t depend on someone else’s mood.
It doesn’t disappear when someone withdraws, criticises, or controls.
It belongs to me.
And this time, no one gets to take it away.
And if you’re still in that place…
where the light comes and goes,
where you’re questioning yourself more than anything else…
please know this isn’t the end of your story.
Those moments of relief you’ve felt?
They matter more than you think.
With love – Lisa
The Quiet Rebellion 🌿