There was a time when I believed something I’d heard growing up.
“If they treat their mum well, you’ve found a good one.”
It sounded reassuring. Simple. Safe.
And for a while, I held onto it.
But experience has a way of quietly undoing the things we thought we understood.
Because what I came to realise is this:
That advice… isn’t always true.
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🌿 What I Learned the Hard Way
I didn’t learn this from theory.
I learned it by living it.
With my first boyfriend, his parents were always fighting.
Not the occasional disagreement…
but constant, intense arguments.
We would be in his bedroom together and we’d hear it all.
Raised voices. Tension that never really settled.
A father who slowly, consistently wore his mother down.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what I was witnessing.
I just knew it didn’t feel right.
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With my second boyfriend, it looked very different on the surface.
There wasn’t shouting in the same way.
It was quieter. More subtle.
He loved his mother deeply.
He spoke about her with care.
He even acknowledged that his father could be “a bit selfish.”
And that his mother had struggled with depression.
From the outside, it looked like awareness.
Like compassion.
And I took that as a sign that he would be different.
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But what I couldn’t see then… I can see clearly now.
His mother wasn’t just “struggling.”
She was being worn down inside a marriage that was controlling, one-sided, and emotionally draining.
What I now recognise as a dynamic with a covert narcissist.
And despite seeing her pain…
despite loving her…
He had still absorbed that pattern.
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Not long after we became official, it began.
Small things at first.
Subtle shifts.
Comments.
Expectations.
Nothing obvious enough to call out.
But enough to make me feel like I was slowly adjusting…
shrinking…
questioning myself.
And over time, it built.
Until I realised:
He wasn’t different from what he had grown up around.
He was repeating it… in a quieter way.
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🌿 The Patterns We Don’t Question
Whether we realise it or not, we all grow up absorbing a blueprint of relationships.
What love looks like.
What’s normal.
What’s acceptable.
If someone grows up in a home where:
- One person dominates or controls
- Emotions are dismissed or minimised
- One partner is slowly worn down over time
- Love is tied to endurance rather than mutual respect
That doesn’t just disappear when they become an adult.
It becomes familiar.
And what feels familiar… often feels right.
Even when it isn’t.
You might not always recognise these patterns while you’re inside them.
If you’re unsure, this might help you see things more clearly:
👉 How to Tell If You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
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🌿 Why “They Treat Their Mum Well” Isn’t Enough
This is the part that’s easy to misunderstand.
Someone can love their mum.
They can:
- Care about her
- Defend her
- Feel protective towards her
And still repeat the same patterns they witnessed.
Because love and awareness don’t automatically equal change.
And sometimes, what you’re seeing isn’t a reflection of how they treat a partner…
It’s a reflection of how they feel about someone they’ve seen struggle.
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🌿 What to Actually Look For Instead
Instead of focusing on isolated behaviour, look at the environment they came from.
Look at the dynamic.
Not just:
“How do they treat her?”
But:
- How does their father treat their mother?
- Is there mutual respect… or quiet control?
- Is one person constantly giving, while the other takes?
- Are emotions safe… or do they come with consequences?
- Is there a subtle tension that no one talks about?
Because that dynamic doesn’t just disappear.
It teaches.
It shapes.
It leaves an imprint.
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🌿 The Signs You Might Notice Early On
The truth is… it rarely starts in obvious ways.
It feels subtle.
Like:
- Something doesn’t quite sit right, but you can’t explain why
- You find yourself thinking more carefully about what you say
- You feel a quiet pressure to keep things calm
- Conversations leave you feeling slightly confused
- You’re adjusting… without realising how much
If you’re recognising yourself in this, it’s not just about the relationship… it’s also about what your body has learned to hold onto.
These patterns don’t stay in your thoughts. They show up as tension, overthinking, and that quiet feeling of being on edge without knowing why.
If you need somewhere gentle to start, I’ve created a free nervous system healing guide to help you begin calming your body and reconnecting with yourself.
It’s not dramatic.
It’s quiet.
And that’s why it’s so easy to overlook.
A lot of these signs are easy to dismiss in the beginning.
We tell ourselves they’re small, or that we’re overthinking.
If you’ve ever done that, you might recognise this:
👉 The Red Flags We Excuse at the Start
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🌿 This Isn’t About Blame… It’s About Awareness
This isn’t about blaming someone for how they were raised.
Or expecting perfection.
It’s about understanding that:
patterns repeat… unless they are consciously changed
And not everyone does that work.
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🌿 You’re Allowed to Notice Sooner
One of the hardest parts of healing is realising:
It’s not just about becoming a healthier version of yourself…
It’s about learning to recognise what isn’t healthy in others.
Earlier.
Before you’re too emotionally invested.
Before you’ve adapted yourself to fit into something that doesn’t feel right.
Learning to notice these patterns is one thing.
Responding to them without losing yourself is another.
If this is something you’re working through, this might support you:
👉 Boundaries Without Guilt: A Gentle Guide for Survivors
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🌿 A Quiet Reminder
If something feels off early on…
You don’t need proof.
You don’t need a fully formed explanation.
Sometimes your body recognises a pattern long before your mind can make sense of it.
And that isn’t something to ignore.
That’s something to listen to.
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Warmly,
Lisa 🌿