The confusing reality of covert emotional abuse
For a long time, I struggled to explain what my relationship felt like.
There were no dramatic fights.
No obvious cruelty that people around me could clearly see.
On the surface, everything looked normal.
And yet something inside me kept whispering:
This doesn’t feel right.
I couldn’t prove it. I couldn’t clearly explain it. All I knew was this:
It didn’t look like abuse… but it felt like abuse.
If you’ve ever experienced that strange confusion, you’re not alone. And there is a reason so many people feel this way in emotionally manipulative relationships.
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For years, I genuinely believed there was something wrong with me.
If you’ve ever felt the same, I made something for you.
My free Nervous System Healing Guide was created from lived experience.
There’s no pressure to heal quickly and no impossible expectations. Just quiet encouragement, simple practices and a reminder that you don’t have to figure everything out on your own.
If it feels right, you’re very welcome to join The Quiet Rebellion and download your free copy below. I truly hope it helps you feel seen. 🌿
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Why covert abuse is so hard to recognise
When most people think about abuse, they imagine something obvious.
They imagine shouting. Threats. Cruel insults. Aggression that everyone around them can clearly see.
But that wasn’t my experience.
Mine was quieter.
It hid in criticism disguised as concern. In subtle put-downs that could easily be brushed off as jokes. In emotional distance that appeared without explanation. In confusing mixed signals that left me constantly trying to work out what I’d done wrong.
Nothing, taken on its own, seemed dramatic enough to justify the unease I felt.
But over time, those tiny moments accumulated until I no longer trusted my own judgement.
I questioned myself more than I questioned the relationship.
And that’s what made it so confusing.
When your body recognises something your mind can’t yet explain
Looking back now, I think my body understood what was happening long before my mind did.
I often felt anxious before seeing him without really knowing why.
I’d replay conversations over and over again, wondering whether I’d imagined things or overreacted.
After spending time together, I felt emotionally drained in a way I couldn’t explain.
I found myself walking on eggshells without consciously deciding to.
And because there was rarely one clear event I could point to and say, “That right there was abuse,” I filled the gaps with self-doubt instead.
Maybe I’m too sensitive.
Maybe I misunderstood.
Maybe it’s my fault.
For years, I genuinely believed there was something physically wrong with me.
My local doctor’s surgery became somewhere I visited on what felt like a weekly basis as I desperately searched for answers. I couldn’t explain the symptoms I was experiencing and became increasingly convinced there must be an underlying medical reason for why I felt the way I did.
I wrote more about that experience in What Is Wrong With Me? The Question I Googled Before I Realised I Was Being Abused.
At the time, I had no idea that my body might have been responding to chronic stress, hypervigilance and emotional confusion. I was searching for a physical explanation because I couldn’t yet see the emotional one.
Many survivors describe something remarkably similar.
Some spend years wondering whether they have IBS, food intolerances or unexplained digestive problems before ever considering the role that chronic stress might be playing.
Others experience dissociation without recognising it for what it is.
If that sounds familiar, you may also relate to – Is It IBS… Or Is Your Body Trying To Tell You Something? and What Dissociation Really Feels Like (And Why You’ve Been Living on Autopilot).
Sometimes the body begins telling the story long before the mind is ready to hear it.
If you’re beginning to recognise yourself in these words and you’re looking for a little more support, I’ve also created some gentle healing resources based on my own lived experience. There’s no pressure at all, but you’re very welcome to explore them whenever the time feels right.
💗 Explore the Quiet Rebellion Library here
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