I used to believe abuse looked obvious.
Shouting. Bruises. Holes in doors.

I didn’t know it could look like promises of a beautiful future.
A life we would “build together.”
A family he said he was proud of.
A home he promised he would help make safe and comfortable for my children.

I didn’t know abuse could sound like:

“Just wait… when things settle down, I’ll sort it.”
“Stop nagging, I said I’ll get to it!”
“Why can’t you just trust me?”

I didn’t know abuse could mean slowly convincing me that the life I wanted was always just one more excuse away.

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The bedrooms I still think about

Here’s what future faking looked like in my life:

He took apart my children’s beds and said it was only while we redecorated.
“Just a couple of weeks,” he told me.
“We’ll get them beautiful new furniture, you’ll see.”

I waited.
And waited.

My children slept on mattresses on the floor.
No bed frames.
No drawers.
Clothes in piles because there was nowhere to put them.

We had recently had our first child together, and I was now financially dependent on him. Abusers know when your options are limited, and they use that. That’s often when the real control begins.

I asked when we were getting the new furniture.
There was always a reason why it wasn’t the right time.
Money. Stress. Work. Something I’d supposedly done.

Sometimes he got angry and told me to stop “going on about it.”
I started to believe I was the problem for asking for basic things my children deserved.

Time kept passing, and nothing changed.

Then one day my dad visited.

I watched his face as he looked around the bare rooms, and I realised, maybe for the first time, how bad it actually was.

The shock.

The disgust.

The way he immediately asked, “Why are you living like this?”

Shame punched me in the chest, but it wasn’t mine.
It was the shame of a reality I had been manipulated into accepting.

My dad bought them beds.
Because my partner, who promised us a future, would not.

I still slept on a mattress on the floor.

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The truth I couldn’t see at the time

While I was fighting to hold our life together, he was:

✨ disappearing for nights
✨ at his parents’ house, or so he said
✨ cheating on me regularly, I later learned

When I found out, he love bombed me.
Suddenly, after years of excuses, new bedroom furniture arrived; as if my worth only returned when he needed to reel me back in.

That’s when I saw it:

He could have provided safety and comfort all along.
He just chose not to, until he needed to keep control.

That is coercive control.
That is abuse.

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What future faking might look like in someone else’s life

If you’re waiting for:

✔️ the holiday they keep talking about
✔️the wedding they say is coming
✔️ the home you’ll “redecorate soon”
✔️ the financial stability “once things get better”
✔️ the family life they dangle in front of you

…but nothing ever changes, and you are made to feel difficult for wanting the basics:

please pay attention.

You might be living on promises instead of reality.
You might be abandoning yourself the way they abandoned you.

but nothing ever changes, and you’re made to feel demanding for wanting progress,

If this is you, this is what I want you to hear:

You are not crazy.
You are not dramatic.
You are not asking for too much.

A safe partner keeps their word.
An abusive partner keeps you waiting.

It took me a long time to see the truth.
I’m still rebuilding what was taken from me and my children.
But I see it now. Clearly. And I will never shrink myself for that story again.

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If you recognise yourself in any of this, you deserve support, safety, and a future that actually arrives.

Please don’t ignore those feelings. If you are constantly waiting for a future someone keeps promising but never delivering, that is not love. That is control disguised as hope. There is a way out, even if you can’t see all the steps yet.

Seventeen years of my life were stolen by promises that were never real. I will not hide what he did. Silence only protects abusers, and I’m done protecting him.

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A gentle, trauma-aware guide for those who feel trapped and need a clearer path out. It includes reflective prompts, safety considerations, and support contacts.

And for the days when your body is in survival mode and you can’t think straight, this may help too:

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Simple, grounding practices for when your mind is overwhelmed and your body is bracing for impact.

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If this post resonated with you, these gentle reads may help you make sense of your experience:

👉 What Is Wrong With Me? The Question I Googled Before I Realised I Was Being Abused
👉 When You Leave Abuse, the World Starts to Look Different
👉 Healing Isn’t Pretty. It’s Clumsy, Messy, and Still Worth It

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With gentleness,
Lisa
The Quiet Rebellion 🌿